Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
