I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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