I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
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I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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