can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everything about him screamed your future.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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