dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
And then he peed in my hair
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
