They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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