I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
