i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
