I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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