the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
