i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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