oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
honey bunches of taint.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
