guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
