Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
