You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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