Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
