you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
