The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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