Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I supernannyed him into submission
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
