I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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