there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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