Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
