Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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