Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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