I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
