I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
