Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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