New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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