dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
