Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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