DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize