You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
