tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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