you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i think my cat just said my name.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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