I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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