When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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