mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
4 words: hood of his car
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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