is your mom at the bar?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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