Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
