his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
