i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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