From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
