Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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