You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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