Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
