just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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