im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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