Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
