She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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