So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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