Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
