Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
