Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
