Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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