you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
