i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
