Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I AM VODKA MAN
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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