I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
