i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
