every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
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He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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